


Everybody Hates Mondays

by Nycto_Owl



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Captain America - Freeform, Crack, Dad!Steve, Dad!Tony, Iron Man - Freeform, M/M, Marvel - Freeform, Occasional dark humor, Peter POV, Peter-centric, Protective!Steve, Spideypool - Freeform, Spidypool - Freeform, Stony - Freeform, Superfamily, andrew Garfield!Spiderman, deadpool has no filter, protective!tony, stony raising Peter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4339454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nycto_Owl/pseuds/Nycto_Owl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter's first day wasn't supposed to start like this, he wasn't supposed to meet an insane psychopath, but he did. He also wasn't supposed to be captured by said psychopath, but it happened. He definitely was not supposed to fall in love with him either, he never wanted to, but Peter doesn't always get what he wants, now does he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the beginning there was Deadpool

**Author's Note:**

> *irrelevant chapter title is irrelevant*

Peter took a deep breath as he walked inside the school. His double life was going to be more difficult to manage than usual. Senior by day, friendly neighbourhood spiderman by night. He could keep up with all of that, right? Sure.

The new school he began attending was a private school, one of the most expensive in the state. Not that one little detail mattered to his billionaire father, Tony Stark. And yes his Dad was Iron Man, and [as of recently] his other dad happened to be captain America. He didn't like talking about it. 

Peter didn't care that he had two dads, he had no problem with that. He just cared about keeping a low profile, which was obviously difficult ever since his 'iron-dad' decided to let the cat out of the bag and tell the whole freaking world that he's Iron Man. Publicity only got worse when his dad started going out with the Cap, and you can imagine how bad it got when the two got married. The Internet practically blew up.

It was a wonder that no one figured out his own identity yet, even though he had been careful all these years. Not even his family had figured it out yet, even when they had been close to finding out just who Spiderman really was Peter found his way out of it. Growing up surrounded by all the tech he could ever want and plenty of resources to tinker and tamper with had its advantages. He may not be as tech savvy as Tony, but he's at least capable of tampering with security camera footage.

Peter's thoughts were interrupted by his spidey-sense. Out of instinct he jumped to his left, just before some scrawny kid could run into him. Instead of the alternative the kid ran past Peter at full force into some other student that was previously in front of Peter. To Peter's surprise the scrawny kid somehow managed to knock both him and the big guy he ran into, to the ground. "Shit, kid where's the fire?!" Peter thought to himself before running over to the two on the ground. Luckily nothing of theirs looked broken, at least it seemed that way to Peter. It was fortunate, considering how hard they fell.

The bigger guy shuffled on the ground. "What the hell man? Why don't you watch where you're going?!" The bigger kid, probably a senior like Peter, shouted as he started to get up. He was really buff. Like unatural hulk buff. Okay maybe not that buff, but close enough to be considered not normal. Was he some sort of super senior jock? Had to be.

The scrawny kid, the one who started it all, was looking pretty terrified right now, he just looked up at the senior and gawked. He was speechless, like he couldn't believe he just screwed up this bad on the first day. He's got to be a freshman or, at most, a sophomore. Peter knows that kind of humilation. Before the spider bite he looked a lot like him. 

"What, don't tell me you're braindead stupid. Why the hell did you run into me?!" The jock, who was probably on steroids– scratch that, who was definitely on steroids was pissed and there was no hint of forgiveness in his tone. If Peter didn't step in that kid was going to end up as this asshole's punching bag for today and probably the rest of the year. He was not about to let that happen. 

"Hey-" Peter began, but was interupted by some other guy, who was obviously not a student who was also wearing a grey hoodie that had 'What team are we? Wildcats!' printed on the front with a logo. "Hey, can I ask you a question?" The new guy who had pushed past Peter asked the jock out of the blue, sharing no acknowledgment for Peter's presence.

"Who the hell are you?" The jock turned towards the hooded guy only to receive a smack to the face. "What the hell man?! I don't even know you!" The jock shouted, obviously confused and angry. It's one of the few emotions that this wild jock seems to show... A lot. You know, he's kind of like an oversized fat bee in a way.

The man pointed at the jock. "You were avoiding my question, now then, before you ruuuudely interrupt again, I'm about to ask you the most important question you'll ever be asked: is it true that when someone takes steroids your dick shrinks?" This question only pissed off the jock more and without thinking he stupidly swung his fist at the hooded guy. To his surprise, hood-guy didn't even flinch, he caught his fist with no problem. Who the hell was this guy?! Peter had never encountered him before.

Even though the guy's face was darkened by the hood, Peter swore he could see a smirk. "Since I don't like to kill kids, and yes even the monster sized ones like you, I'll let you off with a warning" Hoodie started twisting the jock's wrist, eventually bringing him to his knees. "Ooooh even though I know some readers," Readers? "would love for me just to snap your Supersize Me™ sized neck, I'll let you off with a warning. Leave these punks alone and get to class, oh and stop with the drugs and stay in school." He finally let go and the jock held his wrist in pain. The man seemed good, insane, but good.

Hoodie moved away from the jock, and helped scrawny kid up, the jock was gone as soon as soon as the other kid was standing up. The kid was just sitting on the ground this whole time, watching everything take place in awe, similar to Peter. If it were Peter's guess, this must have been the first time somebody had stood up for him.

"Hey kids I know you want to keep staring at an awesome not-hero such as myself," Peter didn't think he was all that awesome, "but you gotta get to class eventually. The bell rang like five minutes ago." Peter blinked, scrawny kid looked like he was going to faint before he managed to run off.

"Not even a thank you..." The hooded guy shook his head, there was no hint of sorrow or disappointment in his tone. But no wonder there were no students surrounding them during the little fight. Peter knew he had to get to class, but first... "What's your name?" 

The hooded guy looked at Peter "Call me Deadpool, skipper," Deadpool placed his hand on Peter's head, ruffling his hair. Great so the man was crazy and touching his hair. Of course he meets someone like this on his first day, why wouldn't he meet a crazy psychopath on his first day?! It'd be unorthodox for him not to.

"Look I have business to attend to, skippy. See you around." With that deadpool turned and ran down the hall. Business? What was this guy planning on doing... Peter didn't want to be any later to class than he was already, but this guy seemed too dangerous to ignore. Sure he helped both him and scrawny kid, but he was insane and in the private school, where he definitely did not belong. Gripping his bag, Peter followed Deadpool. He was definitely going to get a phone call later for skipping out on class.


	2. Killing and Stalking (not in that order)

Peter made sure to stay silent as he followed Deadpool down the hall. So far it didn't seem like he had noticed, then again he could be faking it. Deadpool seemed like the type of guy who would do that. 

When Deadpool turned a corner, Peter stopped and prompted himself against the wall to avoid being seen. He poked his head around the corner to see Deadpool standing in front of a set of double doors that were labeled 'Office'. Huh. So he came through the back of the school just to get to the office? Why didn't he just come in through the front? Wait why was he even questioning a guy's motives when the man clearly belonged in a mental institution.

The Office door clicked. Peter poked his head around once more, Deadpool had already walked inside. There really was no way anyone could convince Peter that this man was a lunatic. If it was then Peter had wasted 10 minutes of his first period class (which was alright because he wouldn't have learned anything anyway. It was Physics, after all, and while Peter loved the topic, the teacher was simply bad at his job). He was about to just walk in when he heard a scream. Aside from his first thought being, "Okay someone just screamed" he sprang into action.

At this point the whole, leap before thinking was was just impulsive. A person in need was just that, and there were times that you couldn't afford to think. 

Bursting through the doors of the office, Peter froze. Deadpool was holding up a gun to the presumed secretary. "You know that no guns sign?" He motioned with the gun towards the sign on the window. "it's not really working for me," he shrugged, before looking at Peter, this time his hood was down, and in its place was a red mask, similar to his own spider mask. "Since you were following me does that make you my stalker?" There was a hint of humour and excitement in his tone. 

"Your stalker? Come on, I have standards," Peter scoffed. "You can't blame me for being a little suspicious. You seem like some guy in his thirties and you're waltzing around in a boys private school on the first day," Peter pointed out. "Now how about you put the gun down and just talk," Peter took a step forward only to be stopped by the gun being redirected at his face. 

"Yeah no, talking isn't my style, well talking through things isn't. Now talking in general, well yeah that is definitely my style." He turned his attention to the secretary, the gun never wavering from Peter. "Now then, I need you to call a student up here. Name starts with a P. Pedro? Pablo? Petre? Oh I know, it was Peter, Peter Parker. Man imagine having those initials, if I wanted to name a child with those initials, it means that the abortion failed me. Anyway call him down or I'll shoot the kid." Deadpool turned his his head towards Peter, giving him a thumbs up with his free hand before looking back at the secretary.

Peter was processing the information. Why was Deadpool wanting him to be called down?Questions rang through his head as the secretary shakily reached for the microphone. Okay if Peter wasn't protecting his identity he'd be take more action. "M-May Peter Parker come down to the m-main office." She hung up, it took her several shaky attempts to lodge the wire phone back into its holder, and looked at Deadpool with a mix of hate and fear.

"Screw you dude," She tried sounding angry in an attempt to sound tough, but it came out shaky. 

Deadpool yawned, "I wouldn't say that if I were you, I'd hate it if the innocent young lad was shamelessly and almost enthusiastically killed" The gun clicked, directed towards Peter's forehead. 

"Hey, I thought you said you didn't like to kill kids." Peter tried to stall. Even though he was eighteen now, he'd rather consider himself a kid if it meant he could buy some more time. 

"Hey I gotta make exceptions sometimes. Nothing personal." Deadpool looked back at the secretary. "Call again, I have a low attention span and an eagerness to get this show on the road." She reluctantly gripped the phone once more.

"Peter Parker. Come down to the office, your parents are here." Deadpool groaned. Apparently the announcement wasn't a satisfying excuse. 

"Boring." He faked a yawn and began tapping his foot. "What is the kid doing?" The secretary glanced towards Peter, blinking.

Peter gritted his teeth. It wasn't like he had a lot of options right now. And he couldn't fight him right now, it'd practically be suicide. He made too many enemies, so many that no amount of protection provided by Tony or Steve could protect him. "Well maybe he's not coming down... Because he's already here...." The secretary spoke slowly, giving Peter an apologetic look.

Deadpool looked in Peter's direction. "You? Really? You're Peter Parker? You seem more like a Klark™ or a Bruce™. Wait wrong franchise, but it's okay I added the little Trademark." Peter shook his head, "Look I don't know what you want with me, just let me get back to class and we can forget this ever happened." He knew that wasn't going to work. It never does with the 'bad guys' but hey it was worth a shot.

"Yeah, no. I don't think so. Come on skippy," he motioned towards the door before stopping and turning towards the front desk. "Oh and sorry about this, well then again, not really." He raised the gun towards the secretary's forehead before firing. "Yay for equality!"

"No!" Peter's eyes widened. He killed her! Sure she gave him away, but she didn't deserve to die for it! "That was completely uncalled for!" He glared at the masked man, he hated him already.

"Look the less people there are talking, the easier this job is." Once again he raised the gun to Peters forehead "Now come on, Peta, lets go." Peter didn't move. 

"I don't think I'm going to go anywhere with you." Deadpool groaned before walking up and smacking the gun hard to Peter's forehead "It's easier when you're like this." Peter fell to the ground with a thud.


	3. 50 Shades of No-Way

When Peter woke up he wasn't at the school and he definitely wasn't in the avengers tower. No this was an apartment, a trashy one, like something you'd see out of Hoarders. 

"So sleeping beauty is finally awake. Guess I might have hit your noggin a little too hard. It's no biggie, though," Deadpool was sitting behind him in a recliner, flipping through channels of a TV. 

Peter hazily tried to move around only to find that he was bound to the chair. Rope? Oh shit his bag! Where was it? It had his suit in it. Did he leave it at school? In the hall? No. He had it when he collapsed. Peter looked around before spotting it in the corner. Thank goodness. At least he knows where it's at... and Peter doubted that Deadpool found the most important thing in it. Even if he did go through his bag, which he probably did, his suit was packed in a secret compartment in the back of the bag. Peter added that in himself. Having his dad's workshop available made adding improvements to things a piece of cake.

Peter looked at the masked man in the chair. "You going to explain why I'm here or am I just going to sit here and look pretty?" Deadpool looked away from the screen and at Peter. "I kinda like you Like that. Nice and quiet." He hummed before getting up. "I was hired to fetch you. Someone wants to get to you." He looked at him. "Aw don't look so worried. You're just getting handed over to some heartless criminal that is probably seeking vengeance against your parents. No biggie!" He turned around "Man I would have thought that you'd be tougher or at least smarter." This made Peter want to laugh, since he had a switchblade tucked in the back pocket of his jeans, it was a miracle Deadpool didn't find it. Peter already started using it on the bindings. "You know, being raised by the avengers I would have thought this was going to be one of the more fun cases." Just a little more and Peter would be free.... 

"At least I wasn't disappointed by your looks," Deadpool slowly started walking around him, whistling. Peter pushed the knife up his sleeve slowly. "Wait before I go any further how old are you?" He crossed his fingers. 

"Seventeen," He lied. Peter was really eighteen, but he wasn't going to tell the guy who had him tied him up though. 

"Oh come on! Really?" He walked around in front of Peter. "A shame. You have such a nice ass too." Peter blushed. "I wasn't going to touch you regardless, FYI. The consent represent." Pretty sure the phrase was '99% represent' and had nothing to do with consent, but he didn't feel like arguing it. 

"Funny, I didn't know bad guys could hold back for a minor and consent." Deadpool gasped at that, putting a hand to where his mouth would be. "Bad guy? Really? Peter you wound me," he faked a dramatic sigh. "I'm no hero, but I should wack you with a newspaper roll for suggesting I'd even think about molesting an underage innocent pure ray of sunshine such as yourself, Petey-boy. I'm not your typical Catholic Preist, you know!" 

"Can you just let me sit in silence again?" Peter figured it would be a terrible idea to break free right now, with Deadpool right there in front of him. He had to wait until Deadpool was at a good distance.

"Oh come on Skippy, live a little" That's the first someone's ever told Peter that. 

"Living is kind of difficult when I'm all tied up." 

"Hey that just means you're kinky," Deadpool winked before turning his towards the TV. A sci-fy theme started playing and on the screen and there was a blue box in the middle of a vortex. "That." He pointed "Is my shit" Peter could see him grinning through the mask... well he was grinning, up until the point where the rope bounding Peter's wrists snapped. 

Finally freed Peter leapt up from the chair avoiding any attempt Deadpool made to grab him. Quickly He ran to the corner, he needed to grab his bag. Like hell he was going to leave it here when it had his suit inside. Who knows what a guy like Deadpool would do with that kind of information. Actually he'd probably just sell the information, which would be pretty bad, considering how he would have no privacy and put himself at risk each time he stepped outside. Not to mention how pissed his parents would be if they found out that their sweet innocent Peter was actually a web-swinging crime fighter.

With ease Peter grabbed the bag and started running to the door. "It's been fun but I think I better get home, you know how parents can get." He grinned. Finally he was getting out of here. Sweet sweet freedom.


	4. [Absent] Cat and Mouse

The second he opened the door he stumbled back, the man who was standing on the other side was Deadpool. "Teleportation is the best." He has to be kidding... So now Deadpool can teleport?! What's next, shapeshifting? Immortality? As Deadpool reached out Peter grabbed his wrist, twisting it. 

"Ouch, actually not really," Deapool stated, Using his one free hand Deadpool yawned. He was completely unaffected, even with Peter's strength. Peter quickly let go and knocked him away, pushing past him. 

"Do you really want to run? I guess it's more fun that way. Not for you, just for me. Unless you're a masochist," Deadpool yelled. 

"Is everything a game to you?" Peter called out as he turned a corner. Down the rundown hallway an open window laid on the wall. If he could just get there he could climb down and out. He just had to get there before he was caught.

"Not right now, right now, everything is just a story." Deadpool's voice was closer now. A story? Peter didn't take him for the philosophical type.

"Yeah sure it is." Quickly Peter jumped for the window, climbing out and down the side, which, wasn't easy with a hulking bag. No sign of Deadpool... Strange. Guess he couldn't handle a little chase. 

Peter jumped down, landing on the cold concrete below him. Outside felt great right now, he could feel a cool breeze even. Shifting the weight of his bag, Peter started running again.

Deadpool really just gave up...? Peter couldn't help but feel disappointed at that, here he was expecting a little more excitement, instead he call it more underwhelming. Don't get Peter wrong. He's not expecting to be buddies with Deadpool, after all the guy did pull a gun on a secretary, shooting her in cold blood. He was a murderer. There really isn't any good way to sugar coat that.

As he passed the next block Peter reached into his pocket for his phone only to discover that it wasn't there. "Oh no..." He groaned to himself. Either it fell out or Deadpool took it when he was unconscious. Both options didn't sit right with him, especially since by now his parents were probably aware of the kidnapping, and Peter had no way to contact them. Peter had to find a way to contact them or get home as soon as possible.

Fortunately from what Peter could remember from this part of the city, there was a gas station close to where he was. The cashier would probably have a phone that Peter could borrow. If they were kind enough.

Thankfully Peter had great spatial memory and was right about the gas station. He burst through the doors.

"Sir I need to borrow your phone."


	5. Old Married Couples

"Peter? Tony get over here!” Peter could hear the relief and worry in Steve’s tone. “Peter where the hell are you?!” There was a sound of running, in the background. It was probably Tony.

“Heya pops.” Peter rubbed the back of his neck “Look I'm completely fine. Fingers, limbs, all attached, and I'm not lying dead in some ditch.” 

In the background Peter could hear Tony’s voice. “See what did I tell you. Don't give me that look, how is he? Where is he?” Peter could practically see Steve’s iconic bitch face he was giving Tony right about now.

“Of course he’s fine, and if I were to recall correctly, you were the one who almost fainted when you heard the school called” Cap huffed. Tony almost fainted? Huh. Call Peter surprised.

"The important thing is that I didn't faint and I didn't give you the chance of not letting me live that down." 

Peter shook his head. “Hey, still here, guys.” 

“Steve let me talk to him, you know what just turn on speaker–no that's the volume button, here.”

“Peter can you hear us?” Steve shouted loud enough to the point that the cashier heard him, Peter was still borrowing his phone, obviously, and he was probably wondering why a man was shouting so loud over his device.

“Yup, loud and clear.” You old dinosaur, Peter didn't that bit out loud.

“Ah Pete, good to finally hear from you. It's only been a few hours since we dropped you off and what you've already almost died? You'll have to try harder if you want to beat my record— Ouch!” Peter grinned. He didn't even bother asking if he was okay.

“Quit joking around, this is serious, someone is dead Tony. Peter tell us what happened, they said you were kidnapped.” 

“You guys done fighting like an old married couple then?” 

“Hey may I remind you that only half of this married couple is old," Tony said, putting that out there. 

“Care to give us the details, Peter?” Steve cut in before Tony could add on.

“You mean Dad didn't hack into the cameras yet?” That's a first. 

“Can’t, someone edited a loop into the footage the time of the attack.” Tony said.

The cashier spoke up, making Peter jump. “Hey, how much longer will you be? I'm kind of waiting for a call.” He'd nearly forgotten that the guy was there. 

“I'll just be another second.” Peter started walking to the other side of the Gas station. “Sorry about that, my phone's gone, I'm borrowing some other guy’s phone. If only he knew who I was talking to.” 

“Peter, focus.” Steve urged him. 

“Okay, so some di–” Peter stopped himself, he knew how much Steve hated it when he sweared. “Jerk was about to start something, I thought I was going to have to fight him, but then this guy who called himself Deadpool—” Peter could clearly hear Tony nearly choke followed by him clearing his throat and responding—

“Hey Pete, no reason to freak out but do you know what he wanted? Did he hurt you?” 

From the other side of the store Peter heard the door open. He couldn't see who had walked in, his view was cut off but the shelves. Over the phone Steve and Tony began arguing again, this time their voices were more hushed and quiet. Peter couldn't make out what they were saying. 

“You know what, just tell me where you are, I'm coming to get you now. We can talk more when I get to you.” Tony didn't sound like he did earlier, he wasn't as calm, and for that reason alone Peter felt just a bit more uneasy. It wasn't like him to be this serious.

Peter was about to tell him where he was when the sound of a gun firing could be heard fat the front counter, causing Peter to jump. “Shit.” Peter hissed out loud. Deadpool must have found him. 

“What was that…? Peter? Peter?!” Now Tony started sounding frantic, which was unnatural for him. Deadpool must be something special if he made him worry this much. Peter could dwell on those thoughts later, he quickly turned down the volume and muffled the speaker with his hand. Silently he inched around the corner of one of the shelves to poke his head around. 

The guy with the gun definitely wasn't deadpool, he looked more like some government dude with the expensive looking suit he wore. “Next time I won't miss, now tell me where the kid is," the man's voice was much heavier than what Peter expected and he had a Russian accent. 

“I don't want any trouble, I don't even know what you're talking about.” The cashier said slowly, the only result was the Russian man pressing the gun up to his chest.

He wasn't going to let another person die. Peter held up the phone and threw it right at his head. The man barely even flinched before turning around. “Ah so you're the punk I was supposed to take in. That mercenary really did a shitty job. He should have been done now,” The man started walking towards Peter. "I should have been sent in first." 

“It wasn't all his fault, I mean what can I say? I just love playing hard to get,” Peter told him with a grin.

The guy smirked. “Ah so you think you're funny, well let's see if you'll keep joking after I knock your pretty little teeth out.”

Peter shrugged, “Hey you're welcome to try, if you can even touch me.”

“Catch a puny kid? Should not be problem.” 

“Kid? Puny? Seriously?” Peter looked down at himself, this wasn't the body of some puny tween, okay so maybe he still lacked the muscles of a bodybuilder, which he was working on, but he definitely didn't look like some kid, and he definitely had muscles. “Okay big guy, hit me with your best shot.” Peter motioned with his hands for him to come forward. If it comes down to it he may just use his strength and power.

A twisted smile spread across the hitman’s face “With pleasure.” The man ran forward, raising his gun to strike him. Peter was going to strike back before the guy even touched him, but a bullet that came out of nowhere shot straight through the thug’s wrist. 

There in front of the sliding doors stood Deadpool “Sorry about the delay, Petey, the writer just can't stop being a lazy ass.”


	6. It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's an Irrelevant Chapter Title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story just hit 300 kudos. I never thought people liked trash this much XD but thanks, and I want you guys to know that every single comment made me smile, seriously. Kudos are nice but comments are really special, I'm not saying that you should comment just for the sake of it, I'm saying that it's really just plain nice to hear your opinions :) so once again, thank you all.

You've got to be kidding. Peter looked over at Deadpool. Where on earth did he even come from? Peter didn't understand, then again he didn't really understand anything Deadpool did. 

The large Russian man who tried to grab Peter earlier dropped the gun the second that the bullet shot through his wrist, followed by him swearing something in Russian. “Oh shut it, walk it off, Testostorone,” Deadpool said, followed by him shooting him in the leg. “Whoops well you still have a single capable leg and hand, better start crawling now.” He then looked at Peter who was giving him a slightly irritated look. “What?! Oh come on, he's Russian, give him some Vodka or some other strong shit and he'll be as good as new!”

“Mother fucking…” The man was on down on the floor. 

“Next time you try stealing my job, I'll aim more towards that sensitive area, it's probably your only finer quality so let's avoid that option," Deadpool warned.

“Hey, put the gun down.” Peter stepped forward finally, he stopped as soon as the gun was raised towards him.

“No can do, you see, I'm getting paid big time to bring your sweet ass in.” 

“Why? What's the point?” Peter questioned. He was tired of all this questioning, damn it, he wanted answers! Amd this whole gun in his the face thing was really getting old. “I mean don't get me wrong, I love having a murder weapon pointed in my face as much as the next guy, but is this really worth it? Threatening me will only bring the attention of my parents, and that’s a force you probably don't want to piss off.” His dad sounded worried at the mention of Deadpool’s name earlier, chances are that Deadpool knows that his parents afraid of him to extent, so threatening him with his parents was probably pointless.

“You mean the tin man and the world’s first human Popsicle? Nah, they don't really bug me.” If he only knew the pun he just made. “Now if you really want to see a pissed off force of nature you should see Wolverine, Beefsteak over there can really get pissed. I mean I'd be too if my main actor left me." 

“Wolverine. As in the xmen? You know about those guys?” Peter remembered reading something about them on one of Tony's files on the computer when he was trying to find more information on Pietro and Wanda. There weren't a whole lot of shield records on them, just a few low-key things referencing to them being a group of dangerous mutants.

“Abso-fucking-lutely, I don't think they like me very much. I wonder why?” Deadpool said.

“A group of possible homicidal super humans don't love you? Shocking, you seem like you'd fit right in.”

“Oh so that's how shield sees our local Girl Scouts nowadays? They're as goodie goodie as you can get,” Deadpool snickered. “So since we're on the topic of the whole shield thing, what do they say about me?” 

“I actually haven't read anything on you.” Peter muttered. He hadn't hacked into the shield files in over a year so maybe Deadpool was just recently added.

“What? You're shitting me. Okay so you're not, I'm hurt. They put the mutant Brady Bunch in the records but they don't even put me, Deadpool in. Come on, I'm ten times better than them.” Deadpool didn't look at offended. Damn drama queen. 

Back on the ground the Russian guy coughed up blood, catching Peter’s attention. Okay so the Russian man might be a bit homicidal, but he was still human. “Okay you have to call an ambulance.” 

“No. He’ll just get in the way again, and I'll end up shooting him again. You know what? I've come up with a better idea, how about I take you now and leave behemoth here to die?” 

“Yeah, no.” Peter let him beat him once, he wasn't going to let him do it again. This time he knew that Deadpool had some sort of healing factor, so Peter can't win in the long run. He just had to catch him off guard, somehow grab the employee’s (who was hiding under the counter) phone that was now by Deadpool’s feet, call an ambulance, then make a run for it. He could pull all of that off, right? After all, they do call him amazing, hopefully he can live up to that title, specifically in this moment.

“Sorry kiddo, you're not getting away this time, no way you're getting the convenient 'protagonist's way out', it's been one too many times!” As Deadpool walked forward Peter was ready for him. The moment he got close enough Peter kicked upwards, his foot smashing into his neck. Deadpool had to stumble back a bit from the force of the blow, Peter took it as his opportunity, and leapt over him grabbing the cellphone on the floor as he landed.

“You know that actually hurt, not that it still does,” Deadpool went on, turning towards Peter but not moving. “You are just full of surprises, much like that girl that turned out to be a dude, not that I cared, he was still hot. I did care that he did try to kill me, though…” As deadpool kept rambling Peter dialed 911 and threw the phone behind counter and cash register. 

“Do you ever shut up?” Peter questioned. His only goal now was to get away and change into the suit. "And people say I'm a talker." 

“That depends, do you want the long ass answer or the short answer.” Deadpool said as he pulled out his swords. 

“How about none of the above?” Peter quickly grabbed the nearest thing and chucked it at Deadpool's face, the item, which was apparently a magazine, was sliced in half before it even got close to touching his face. 

“You're going to have to try harder if you want to tap this.” Peter didn't didn't even respond, he just ran. “You know running might have given you a small chance earlier, but it's not going to work this time, pop spice.” Deadpool was right, so Peter stopped running. He instead jumped right out of the window into an alley, which was a really depressing and convenient spot for a window. Peter ran again, no sign of Deadpool well there wasn't until he turned the corner. 

“Yoo-hoo, told you I wasn't letting you go easy.” Within a blink of an eye Deadpool had Peter in his grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On another note you probably noticed that this story was updated faster than usual, well you can thank this beautiful edit for making me want to write faster https://youtu.be/uuCP08kwWL8 I haven't seen many spideypool edits out there, but this one was absolutely phenomenal. Totally worth watching.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know if it wasn't for the kudos I was notified about via email I probably wouldn't have written this chapter. Because I'll be honest, I forgot and I've been busy lately, anyway thanks for waiting!  
> Well you know what they say, patience young Padawan

Deadpool was strong but so was Peter, “You really don't have to do this.” Peter gave him a look of warning. He meant it.

“You know this is why I should have been the main character. I wouldn't pull this many clichés. Plus my thought process is hella more interesting.” 

“I wouldn't really doubt that.” Peter uttered.

“You see, now you're getting to know me well enough to realize that most of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth is remotely interesting! I should write my own story just to-” Peter used his rambling as the perfect moment to slam his knee into Deadpool’s side at full force. Almost immediately, Peter was released from the Mercenary's grasp.

“Ouch, okay, rude! We were having a nice conversation!” Deadpool swore, bringing his arms to his side. He obviously was over dramatizing the whole ordeal as he rolled around on the ground in pain, then again Peter forgets his own strength at times, so Deadpool could be serious. Either way Peter was out of here.

Bolting away from the Mercenary, Peter ran out of the alley and into a current of swarming busy, people. It had to be rush hour, and at this time the crowd of people were probably on their way home from work, which gave Peter enough cover to blend into. From behind him he could hear Deadpool running out of the alley. He'd never be able to spot Peter like this. 

“You can run but you can't keep finding convenient ways out forever Petey, sooner or later the authors, going to run outta ways to protect you!” Deadpool shouted out towards the crowd. It never failed to amaze Peter how well his powers enhances his senses. Even now, over the shouts and calls of the city he could clearly hear his lunatic pursuer.

Feeling a sense of triumph, Peter turned the corner and headed home to the avengers tower.

When he got close enough to the doors he finally felt a sense of relief. After he came home and reassured his parents that he was alright he could suit up and switch around the game of cat and mouse he had going with Deadpool. He could finally do something productive instead of acting so damn helpless.

Peter quickly ran inside the tower. Looking up at the camera he called out, “JARVIS.”

“Welcome back Peter, your parents will be pleased to know that you're alright.” The robotic voice never sounded so welcoming. 

Peter laughed in relief, “Yeah they sure will. Where are they? Upstairs?” He asked as he walked into the elevator.

“No, Sir and the Captain left soon after you made the call.” JARVIS continued, “would you like for me to notify your parents?”

The Elevator doors shut, and the small compartment made it’s way up the tower. “Yeah, that'd be great. How about everyone else?” 

“Agents Barton and Romanoff, as well as the Maximoff twins are all out searching for you, while Doctor Banner is researching something in Africa.”

“So I'm alone.” Peter really didn't like the sound of that.

“affirmative…” There was a pause. “Wait there is someone upstairs on the main lobby… He's throwing things around… It seems as though he's been here a while. I'm sorry sir, my sensors must have malfunctioned, I'm alerting mr. Stark.” 

“I don't think this was on you.” Peter clenched his fists as the elevator reached its destination and the door opened. He was going to take a wild guess and say that this mystery man was Deadpool. 

“Mother Fucker!” A voice yelled, a smashing sound could be heard. Yup, that was the voice Deadpool. 

Peter walked in, glaring at the masked pain in the ass. Deadpool was standing over a pile of broken furniture, and was currently stabbing the couch repeatedly. Peter winced, he loved that couch.

“I must insist that you stop.” JARVIS struggled to get the words out.

“Oh shut up you Siri reject!” Deadpool looked over at Peter as he walked in. “You!” He pointed at Peter. “This is your fault!” Peter blinked and frowned.

He hadn't done anything wrong! Whatever happened it was Deadpool’s fault for starting this mess in the first place. “You just had to be a fucking little angel, didn't you?” Deadpool swore, putting away his katanas. “Since you wouldn't let me kill that bag of dicks, the Russian Hitman, he called my client and told him that I let you go! You know what my client did? He fired me! He called me off! That rarely happens, but of fucking course you had to save his stupid, pointless life!” 

“You're yelling at me for saving his life? Sorry if I don't feel bad.” 

Deadpool walked over and put his hand on Peter’s shoulder “Think of the children, Petey! The children! Kids out there look up to me, they can't see me fail!” He began shaking Peter. “If they can't see me win then what am I? Discount censored porn?! A sad Clown?! That loser Mercenary that makes the kids with no confidence feel better about themselves? Just what am I?!” Peter pulled away. 

“You're a pain in the ass.” Peter said.

“Only if you forgot the lube.” It took an embarrassingly long amount of time for Peter to realize the joke, when he did he felt his face heat up.

“Lol. What's the matter, no sarcastic remark? Oh wait, don't tell me– are you a virgin?” Peter’s eyes widened to the size of golf balls. Seriously, is it that easy to figure out? “You can't be serious, the son of Tony Stark is a virgin at 17 years old. Just when I thought you couldn't be anymore of a saint!”

“Actually 18, I lied before,” Peter muttered. He was getting salty really quickly.

“Oh really? So you are at the legal age, huh?” Deadpool step forward. Through his mask Peter could see him wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

You've got to be kidding him. Peter blushed harder. “You're not really my type. I'm not into the whole, deathstroke spiderman knock off thing.” 

Deadpool gasped, taking Peter by surprise. “You broke the fourth wall! You're practically made for me!” 

Peter was just about to respond when the elevator door opened up, releasing Iron Man and Captain America. 

“Look who finally showed up,” Peter turned towards his parents.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So most of you have probably asked "When will the updates return from the war" well ask no further. 
> 
> This just in, the chapter has been uploaded as short as usual
> 
>  
> 
> My apologies

“Well if it isn't the world’s mightiest power couple!” Deadpool stepped away from Peter and towards his parents.

“And you must be Deadpool.” Steve stepped forward.

“You shouldn't jump to conclusions, for all you know I could just be a masked scoundrel brought in by your son!” Wade turned his head backed at Peter, “Isn't that right, sweetums?” 

Peter glared. “I'm pretty sure I'd rather be caught dead than bring home someone like you.” Peter received a whistle of approval from Tony.

Deadpool gasped. “You're breaking up with me? Think of the children, the house of memories! You cold hearted–” he was cut off by being thrown against the wall by a blast of Tony's laser.

“That is for my son,” Tony stepped towards Deadpool shooting him repeatedly until he was on the floor. “And that is for the furniture, which I might add, already gets replaced on a weekly basis.” Tony wasn't lying, between Thor and Bruce, Peter wasn’t sure who broke the most Furniture. Maybe they both had a ‘Let's all use Tony’s avengers allowance all on furniture’ agenda as there own special way of saying “Fuck you” Peter honestly just didn't know.

While Deadpool was being occupied by Tony’s violent presence, Steve turned his attention to Peter, “Did he hurt you?” Cap questioned before running to his step-son, who responded with a shake of his head. “Not really, besides the headache I'm fine.”

“Good–” he was cut off by Deadpool swears in the background, “Fuck you, you Metal condom of fucking-” Steve's eyes widened and he began to speak over the mercenary, “What I was saying was, we were worried about you. Tony said that this man is dangerous. I'm glad you made it out but I have to say, I'm surprised you were able to escape,” Cap questioned. Did Peter screw up? Was he too fast in escaping?

“Hey you guys said it yourselves before, I'm full of surprises,” Peter gave him a wary grin. Honestly though, he wasn't sure how he did either. He never really was as resourceful as Peter Parker as he was with Spider-man.

“That is true,” Steve stopped as Tony called out, “Could use a little help over here!” 

“I'm spending time with your parents, does this mean you're ready for the next level, Petey-kins?” Deadpool made a kissing noise before being punched in the jaw.

Steve sighed, “You better head upstairs, we’ll handle it from here.” 

Peter didn't get enough time to respond, Steve was already running towards the tangled mess on the ground.


	9. His bed was there when no one else was

Peter could hear the sounds of fighting even as he walked into the elevator, naturally all noise faded as soon as the doors closed. Praise the heavens for that, he was starting to develop a headache. 

When the elevator opened, Peter found Thor standing in the hall. “Ah,young Peter! good to see you,” Thor held his arms open, pulling Peter into a tight hug that would knock the wind out of him. “You look well,” Thor released him from his hellishly tight grasp.

“More or less, I had hitmen after me, one of which turned out to be a mutant mercenary,” Peter said breathlessly, still recovering from the hug. “So it’s been an eventful day.”

“Hitmen? Really?” Thor was in thought for a moment. “I thought I hired a rescue team, not a hit squad.” Peter blinked for a moment to let that sink in.

“Can you clarify? You accidentally hired a hit squad?!” Thor nodded, “Why, why would you do that?”

“For good intentions, I remember you hating school when you were younger and a more weaker target for the tough children at your previous schools or even the averagely built young ones. Clearly you’ve improved,” Thor waved a hand over Peter, “But I was unsure, so I seeked out help in order to rescue you from whatever perils you would have faced. I also wanted to surprise you after I've been gone for so long!” Thor grinned. His heart was in the right place and with that smile Peter couldn't stay mad at him, he was like the Uncle he never had [for long]. “I'll be honest, there is another reason I've come back. There's something you need to know.”

Peter gave him a strange look. Well that couldn't have been anymore ominous. “Is it because I'm adopted? Don't worry, I know.” 

“Aha, there's your sense of humor!” Thor laughed. “But no,” Thor lowered his voice. “I had a vision in the past. There's something important that you especially need to know. A war is coming, Peter. I won't be around when it starts or when it ends, but you will be. You have a strong noble heart. I have no doubt you will prevail,” Thor looked at a clock. “I was hoping the people I hired would bring you here sooner so we could spend time together, like when you were younger, but it’s too late now, I have to return to Asgard,” he gave Peter a pat on the shoulder before heading into the elevator. 

A war? What kind of war was he talking about? Was he referring to the avengers? It seems to unlikely for the avengers to break out in war. Then again there was a lot of tension recently, and Tony is increasingly becoming more paranoid, hence him trying to send him to a private school, instead of public. Peter understands why at least. Tony had gone through a lot, and sometimes the relationships he was in didn't help. Piper never understood what it was like, the living nightmares he faced. Peter remembers the arguments they'd get in. They just weren't made for each other. At least Captain understands the experiences, although he did clearly have different viewpoints over certain matters than Tony. Which often lead to harsher arguments and fights. The point is, Peter doesn't have the support he needs to believe him, that’s clear even to him. Unfortunately Tony wouldn't follow the advice Peter could give Tony about seeking help. He probably wouldn't listen to Peter if he told them what Thor said.

Tony would probably say that Thor’s been drinking too much of that strong shit from Asgard. Which is more likely than him saying it sober. Unfortunately it was clear to Peter that Thor was very much sober and Tony would be a fool to ignore it. There wasn't much Peter could do if Tony wasn’t willing to listen. Once he had his mind set, he could rarely be swayed to view another viewpoint. Steve was similar in that regard.

He’d worry about it all in the morning. The only thing Peter needed to worry about for the time being was his warm bed, which was waiting for him down the hall. There would probably be a talk waiting for him as soon as he woke up, about safety or being sent to a different school. It’d probably be Tony if not the both him and Steve, but it remains to be seen.

Stumbling into his room Peter collapsed onto his bed.


End file.
